Roomies: A Turks Fic
by Abobo's Revenge
Summary: Reno and Rude have to live together in an apartment after Shinra goes under, but Rude is gettin' to be a butt pain. Can Reno raise enough money to move out!? Rated PG-13 for cussin'.


Dislaimer: I own nothing I write about in this fic. So there!

ROOMIES: A TURKS FIC

Reno was in a horrible storm of trouble. He didn't know what to do. His hands darted over the controls, searching for a solution, but there wasn't one that he could find. Any wrong move would certainly mean death...

He decided. Ignoring his full Limit Break gauge, he used a Phoenix Down on Aeris. She revived with 1/4 of her HP. The Demon's Gate used Cave-In. Cloud and Aeris died for the seventh time in an hour.

"DAMMIT!!!" Reno screamed at the Game Over screen. He was sitting on the floor of his apartment's living room. "Ruuuuuuuuuude! Where's the damned Player's guide for FF7!?"

His roommate stepped into the living room from the kitchen.

"...." Rude said. Then he added, "We had to loan it to Rufus, remember?"

"Dammit! His office blew up! What am I gonna DO!?"

"You shouldn't swear too much," Rude said. "_Some_ people don't like it."

"I'll say whatever the hell I like!" Reno fumed at him.

"You shouldn't 'fume', either," Rude said to him. "It's unhealthy."

Reno got all pissed off and decided to not provoke Rude to say anything more. Rude was his best friend, but seriously...living with him sucks! Due to the fact that Shinra is no more, Reno and Rude only got a fraction of the pay they used to out of their new jobs.

"Hey, Rude," Reno said, calming himself down.

"What..."

"Do you ever wish we could afford our own places?" Reno asked him.

"Don't you like living with me?" Rude asked. He sounded hurt. At least that's what Reno assumed he sounded like. No one had ever heard Rude hurt before.

"Um..." Reno said. "Never mind."

"Okay," Rude said. He went back into the kitchen.

Reno smelled something...odd. He got up from his spot on the floor and went into the kitchen. He saw Rude hovering over the oven, which was baking something.

"Hey, whaddya making, Rude?"

"Tater-tot Casserole," Rude said. "I got the recipe from my gramma."

Reno thought, I have to get out of here.

***

The next day, Reno got up at 6:00 am sharp. It was cold as hell, but he needed to make sure he wasn't late for work anymore. Tseng kept saying he was gonna fire him if it happened anymore, and Reno didn't want to lose the only job he had.

He rose to his feet. Rude was across the room, snoring on the couch. Rude got leeway because he wasn't the new leader while Tseng, that weenie, was in physical therapy. He almost got killed; it wasn't as if he got sat on by Heidegger or anything...

Reno went to get something for breakfast. He entered the kitchen. There wasn't much there at the moment. He opened the cupboard next to the fridge, expecting to find some yummy Shinra Puffs cereal. He found healthy Cloud Nuts instead.

"Dammit!" He said. "I HATE Cloud Nuts!"

He stared in groggy silence at the box of Cloud Nuts, with a picture on the front of Cloud and some little hard lumpy things on a spoon, drenched in milk. He picked the box out of the cupboard. He went over to another cupboard and opened it. He picked out a bowl. He went over to the silverware drawer and got a spoon. 

"Freakin' Cloud Nuts."

He poured himself a bowl, poured milk on it, and put it on the table. He sat down. He stared at the Cloud Nuts. He dipped the spoon in them, and took a bite. He crunched down on them. There was a sickly noise, like legs breaking. He chewed, and more noises ensued.

Rude began to wake. He said something mumbly about peanut butter.

Reno looked over at him. Well, since he's awake...

"Rude!" Reno said. "What the hell did you do with the Shinra Puffs!?"

Rude looked sleepily at Reno, who was hunched over a bowl of cereal.

"I threw 'em out," he said.

"What!? Why?"

"Have you ever looked at the nutrition facts on those?" Rude sat up. Reno never noticed before, but Rude sleeps in his Turks uniform. It was still perfectly pressed and everything. Reno, no matter how many times he pressed his suit, always looked like a beat-up stoner. Maybe I got a defective suit, he thought. Even if he tried to tuck in or button up his shirt, it always popped out and unbuttoned. 

Rude was saying something about sugar. Reno tuned back in:

"...kill you before you're thirty," Rude finished.

Shinra Puffs would kill him? Before he was thirty? He was already twenty-seven! Hmm. Pondering is in order.

"So what's up with the Cloud Nuts?" Reno asked.

"I bought a whole bunch of boxes of them," Rude said. "They're my favorites."

"They taste like ass!" Reno said, and dumped his bowl into the sink. He left the nuts in a soggy pile in the bottom of the sink, and went into the shared room and put on his crappy uniform. He tried to button up the shirt again, but as soon as he got one through a buttonhole, it just popped back out again. He soon gave up on the buttons. He then tried to tuck the shirt into his pants, but to no avail. He cursed, and went into the bathroom to at least make his head and armpits presentable.

After a few minutes he emerged from the depths of the bathroom, a messed-up though clean-smelling man.

"This is about as good as it gets for me," he said.

He went into the main room, or den, or living room, or whatever you want to call it. Rude looked up at him. He was playing FF7. And it looked like he was...no...

He was playing Reno's file! He was fighting Demon's Gate!

"What are you doing, Rude?"

"Playing FF7," Rude said. "I think I'm doing pretty good, but I'm not sure, because I've never played it before."

There was a red flash. Demon's Gate disintegrated into nothingness on the game screen.

"Goddammit!" Reno screamed. "You killed it!"

"I did?" Rude said. "Cool!"

"No!! NOT COOL!!!" Reno shouted, and he was out the door, slamming it so hard it broke behind him.

A pause. Rude sat on the floor in confusion.

Reno poked his head back in the door, and screamed, "You damn well better not save that game!!"

***

These days, work was not so good for Reno. After Shinra crumbled, the Turks had found themselves out of work, and thus they formed The Turks Bodyguard Service.

Business was not doing well.

The TBS office was very ooglie. It featured, among other things, a car that probably at one point belonged to a crazed derby driver, for it had no more on it that a frame, two wheels, and a somewhat disturbing interior. The engine was unlike any anyone had every seen, mostly because there were key parts missing. Namely, the engine.

Reno walked inside the building. Inside the reception area, besides chairs, he saw Elena behind the counter, sorting client information. So she was done by the time he got to her.

"Morning, Reno," she said.

"Yeah," Reno said, still in a crappy mood. "Morning, Elena."

He continued back into the office, the only other room in the building. There was an old 286, running Windows 2.11 sitting on a desk. Tseng sat at the old computer, typing away.

"Tseng."

"Reno," he said. "S'up, mah homeeeeeey?"

"What the hell?"

"You don't like it? I though I'd try and be more 'hip,'" he said. He looked a bit dejected. "I guess it didn't really work."

"Guess not," Reno said. "You looked like an idiot."

"Hmmm," Tseng mused. "Well, I guess this requires additional pondering."

"What's going on today?" Reno asked.

"I dunno," Tseng said. "But I want you to tell me one thing..."

There was a dramatic pause.

"What!?"

"Hey, don't rush me."

"Just ask!!"

"Ok, ok," Tseng said as if annoyed. "How do you play Hangman on this darned thing?" He gestured to the crappy old Tandy 1000.

"Okay, listen up. I'm going to explain how to play [Hangman] on the [286]."

Playing Hangman

First, when it is your turn, you must select a slot from the opponent's empty letter thingie with the mouse, and...

"Ya know what!? If you don't know how to play #$%&in' Hangman, you're a moron!" Reno said, and left the office. He went into the lobby thing and sat in a chair. It broke apart under his butt.

"#$@&!" He said, and sat in a different chair.

He tried to collect himself. He wondered if he was addicted to those Shinra Puffs. He seemed to be in awful huff, and the only thing that happened this morning was he didn't get His Shinra Puffs. Ergh...he got angry just thinking about Rude and his damn Cloud Nuts cereal.

As he was thinking this, a figure walked into the room. This figure had a long black cape, and long silver hair, which flowed behind him a la Fabio when he walked.

Um, he also had a big sword.

Okay, if you haven't figured it out already, it was Sephiroth.

Anyways, Sephiroth approached Elena at the counter, who was typing a stereotypical Cloud/Sephiroth yaoi fic.

"Oh!" Elena said, when she realized there was a customer standing before her. "Hello, how can I...oh my God!"

"What?" Sephiroth said, suddenly becoming self-conscious. "Is it my face? Do I look fat? WHAT IS IT???"

"Well, we all kinda figured you were, you know, dead," Elena said.

"Oh," Sephiroth said. "That."

"Yeah," Reno said. "What's up with you being alive, huh?"

"I don't wanna talk about it," Sephiroth said. "It'd be like the billionth time I've had to tell someone it."

"Fine," Reno said. "Whaddya want?"

"I want three good bodyguards," Sephiroth said.

The two Turks thought about this. After a few seconds of deep thought, Reno said:

"Why the hell do YOU need THREE bodyguards!?"

"Well, you know those guys keep trying to get at me?" Sephiroth said. "He almost got me a few years back, he just about got me last month, and I'm afraid him and his tree-hugging friends'll try again," Sephiroth began to sniffle. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone. But when I get mad, these hands o' mine..." he raised his hands up to eye level and looked them over, "...they have a life all their own."

"That means..." Elena said, "I get to...go...with you?

Reno looked over at her. "Yeah, Elena. Unless you want your crippled boyfriend Tseng to go in your place."

"Who?" she said, sidling up next to Sephiroth. She took his arm. "Don't worry, Mr. Sephiroth. We, the Turks Bodyguard Service, will protect you."

"Oh, thank you guys so much," The Great Sephiroth, who has now been reduced to the same level as some kind of pathetic child, said.

Enter Rude. He walked slowly, in that "I'm a badass" way, over to where Reno was standing.

"What's going on?" He said.

"The Great Sephiroth just hired us," Reno said, disgustedly. "Apparently, he doesn't want to have another near-death experience."

"Oh," Rude said. "How much is he gonna pay us?"

"Twice the usual," Reno said. "And I think I can get some extra outta him."

"What? Why?" Rude said. "You have money."

"Yeah, well, you can never have too much."

Elena came over to them. "You guys!!! Mr. Sephiroth wants to say something!!!"

"Elena," Reno said. "You're being too loud. Be quiet! You're a Turk!"

"Sorry," she said.

"Okay," Sephiroth said. "I want to go to Safeway. You guys are to accompany me."

"Ok, sounds easy," Reno said. "When?"

"Now," Sephiroth the Magnificent said. "I'm going to pick up a few items, and be out. I want you to guard the entrance and exit while I'm gone. Make sure no dangerous people enter."

"Okay!" Elena said. "Will do, Mr. Sephiroth!"

"Fine," Reno said.

"Client's orders," Rude said.

"Let's go," Sephiroth said to the group.

Reno took Elena aside. "You can't tell ANYONE that Sephiroth is our client, or that we're going to Safeway or anything. If the world gets word of this, it could mean trouble. Don't tell your girlfriends, or your family, or even us."

"Okay..." Elena said, as if she were too old for it.

***

At Safeway...

Sephiroth and the Turks, minus Tseng, are standing in front of the entrance.

"Now, you two," he pointed to Reno and Rude, "guard this Entrance. Make sure no one comes in or goes out."

"Umm..." Elena said. "But..."

"Except me."

"Okay, gotcha."

"And you, Elena," said Mr. Sephiroth, "Guard the Exit."

"Okey-dokey, Hokey-pokey!" Elena said.

"What the HELL does that mean?" Sephiroth said.

"Um, it means "Yes, sir!"

"Okay. Good," Sephiroth turned and walked into Safeway. Oh, how it hurt!Reno and Rude set up shop outside the large entryway to the Safeway supermarket complex. Well, not _shop_, per se. They just kind of stood around near the doors.

***

Elena went over to the exit, and immediately began to search feverishly for someone to be tough at.

"Hey!" she shouted at an elderly man who was trying to leave. "No leaving! Get back in there! Yeah, Gramps! You do as I say!"

The old man went grumbling back inside, pushing his cart slowly.

Reno and Rude are all alone. Let the yaoi begin!!! 

...

Just kidding! Ha ha! Almost fooled ya there, didn't I? No? Oh well. Read on anyway, ya buncha weeners.

"So, Rude," Reno said. "Who do you like?"

"We've been over this, Reno," Rude said in annoyance.

"Yeah, but it just never gets old for me," Reno said. "So? Who is it?"

"I like Tifa," Rude said. "Remember?"

"Oh yeah," Reno said. "Why do you like her?"

"Argh!" Rude groaned in exasperation. "I LIKE HER BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T WEAR A LOT OF CLOTHES AND SHE HAS BIG BOOBS!!!!!!!!"

"Hmmm..." Reno said. "I see what you mean. I guess I never really noticed before."

"Yeah, you did," Rude said. "I know about those web sites you go to."

"!!!" Reno said, though how... I have no idea. Does anyone?

"So who do YOU like?"

Reno turned around and buried his face in his hands. "I can't tell you," he said finally.

"Why not?"

"You'll think I'm a freak."

"I already think you're a freak, now tell me, man!"

"You think I'm...a...freak...?" Reno asked, turning to face Rude.

"Yes, what else could explain that freaky suit?"

"You know I'm sensitive about my suit..." Reno said, beginning to cry, tears welling up in his eyes. "My body chemistry is just all wrong!"

"So answer me," Rude said, feeling rather malicious.

"I like...Yuffie!" Reno said. "I think she's saucy!" He began to bawl, and he ran off to cry behind a truck.

"Oh my God!!!" Rude said. "Dude, she's like 15, you pervert!"

Reno was gone...

Rude shook his head. "'Saucy'...?" he repeated to himself, much in shock and disbelief.

***

Elena the Resolute kept her watch. Nothing happening so far. She could hear Reno and Rude screaming something about sauce. Maybe they were talking about what kind of sauce Mr. Sephiroth was buying!

She continued to watch, continually turning away people trying to exit the store. Kind of weird. You'd think he'd WANT people to leave. Well, whatever Mr. Sephiroth wants, Mr. Sephiroth gets!

***

Sephiroth was just shopping. Kinda boring really. Not much going on there...um, he's in the peanut butter area...near the end of Isle 6...*yawn*

Well, let's forget about him for awhile. He's actually kind of a boring person in real life. You probably wouldn't particularly want to meet him.

Um, anyways:

***

Rude was in a state of flux...He wanted to go say he was sorry to Reno, and he also wanted to run the hell away, because a large army of young girls was storming the Safeway. He could hear chants of "We love Sephiroth" and..., umm, that was about it.

He tried to move, but couldn't. He wanted to scream, but his larynx was numb. He wanted to pee, so he did, but by accident. He wanted to have one last donut, but there was no time. So he did what any sensible person would do in his situation:

He watched them come like a cow looks at an oncoming train. Sort of not moving, and with little emotion. There was actually a lot of emotion in Rude as he watched his death-givers approach, but he was too scared to show it. He just kinda stood there.

And so, he was trampled by an army of girls. Who knows if he died? I sure don't. I haven't decided if he's going to be some kind of plot device later. Oh, wait. He has to live...he's Reno's roomie. Yeah, okay. Rude lives.

A severely injured Rude contemplates his place in the cosmos...just because he can.

***

Reno saw the onslaught of girls run over his friend.

...That would be Rude, if you're not keeping score.

"Rude!!" he shouted, forgetting his Yuffie troubles. He ran over to the maimed Turk.

"Ah, Reno," Rude said. "I'm sorry..."

"Sorry?" Reno said. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I pushed you to tell me who you liked...I'm the one who started the dumb game...I could have helped you when you needed it..."

"No!" Rude said, through ragged breaths. "I mean, about throwing out the Shinra Puffs."

"Oh," Reno said. His face turned red like his hair, and he glared down at Rude. "You CRAPHEAD!!! I'll never forgive you!!!"

He kicked Rude in the nuts. Rude shouted in pain.

"I'll find my own damn apartment!!!" Reno yelled. "And I'll fill it with SHINRA PUFFS!!!"

***

Sephiroth was in the laundry isle, when he heard a rumbling. He turned around, and saw a bazillion psycho fangirls rounding the corner into his isle.

"Oh, poopies."

***

Reno was feeling very angry, when he heard a distant rumbling, and then a not-so-distant rumbling. And then he could hear the screaming of a twenty-something man named Sephiroth.

"Heeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeee!!!!!" he screamed. There was the sound of a large explosion, and the fangirls came out of a brand-new hole in the wall in the center of Safeway, between the two entrance/exits. Among them was Elena and Sephiroth! Elena was just kind of being fangirly, and Sephiroth was sort of bobbing on the top of the crowd, being held some six feet off the ground by the female mass.

The mass went and piled into a truck, taking a really darned scared Heir to the Planet with them. The psycho fangirls who couldn't make it in piled into other vehicles kind of jumped around until the vehicles left, at which point they ran after them.

"Dammit!" Reno cursed. "Elena must've made some calls."

Rude was making groaning noises. Not really a big surprise, given his recent groinal injuries, not to mention being trampled by psycho fangirls.

"I'm going after them," Reno said. "He still hasn't paid us yet."

"Urgh," Rude said, while writhing on the ground. "Don't...step on me..."

***

Reno ran over to an old man in a pickup, and held his electric nightstick at him threateningly. "Let me borrow this truck."

"Will you give it back?" the man asked.

"Well," Reno said, thinking it over. "Probably not."

"So then it's not really borrowing, is it?"

"Not really," Reno said. "So. Let me HAVE this truck, or I shove this nightstick so far up your butt it shocks your tonsils."

"Keys are in the ignition," the man said, as he piled out.

Reno was about to start the engine when Rude limped over to him.

"Don't leave without me," he said.

Reno looked at his injured partner. "Fine. You drive. I'm gonna be in the back."

Rude climbed, albeit painfully, into the cabin of the truck. Reno jumped into the back, where he sat down.

So begins the chase scene!

***

Rude sped down the road after the crazed fangirls. They were either very good drivers or very bad drivers. As he thought about it, he figured that they must be very bad drivers, since they had Sephiroth tied up in the back and there were at least twelve of them back there with him, all fighting to get a hold of him.

As the truck containing Reno and Rude approached the truck, a thump-thump sounded, the truck bouncing on each thump. Reno looked back and saw the body of a psycho fangirl laying in the road.

Reno opened the back window and yelled, "Watch where you're going, dumbass!"

"......" Rude said.

The truck sped on! In hot pursuit of the fangirl truck, that is. They plowed through a market area where a bunch of foreign people had fruit stands and trucks full of chickens. Needless to say, not a fruit stand nor a chicken-filled truck was spared from the wrath of the car chase scene. Imagine a lot of fruit and chickens flying everywhere, or any chase from a James Bond flick, and you're in the ballpark. Or alternately, you could watch a chase scene from a James Bond flick and then skip down to the amusing resolution. I neither support nor endorse this course of action, however.

Anyways, Reno was cussin' up a storm about all the damn chicken and fruit flying everywhere. Suddenly, Reno saw it! An exit onto the four-lane highway near them! If only the fangirls would take it, so I can stop writing. Lo and behold, they took the exit! Imagine that!

Rude stormed onto the freeway, in hot pursuit of the psycho fangirls. Sephiroth was in the back with fangirls climbing all over him like rabid wolverines on a mass of those big Costco hot dogs.

Rude pulled up beside the speeding truck, and Sephiroth began to reach out to Reno. Reno took the time to note that Sephiroth would need a change of underpants by the time they got back to HQ.

Reno timed his jump carefully. If it wasn't pinpoint accurate, it would fail miserably, and Reno would fall to the road and probably be hit by a car. So instead he shouted, "Sephiroth! Jump!"

"Okay!" Sephiroth called back. He began to fight the fangirls with all his might. He screamed things like "get offa me" and "let go of that." Finally, he had wrestled off the fangirls enough so that he could jump his white ass over the gap between the vehicles.

But the Gods of Convenient Plot Devices made him miss. So instead he ended up catching the running board just about a foot off the road, which was hurtling by at 73 mph.

"Help me!" Sephiroth screamed, his feet still being yanked on by fangirls. He began to cry like a little girl who accidentally ripped the head off her Barbie, or whatever dolly thing is poplular among the horrible female human child population.

"I'll help you!" Reno said, as he reached for Sephiroth. Then something occurred to him. "Hold on a second."

Sephiroth couldn't see what Reno was doing, but he sure didn't like it. He scrabbled at the side of the truck to try and haul himself up with his free hand, but to no avail. He waited for Reno to peer over the side at him again.

"I'll help you if you sign this!" He thrust a paper down to Sephiroth, along with a pen.

"WHAT???" Sephiroth screamed. The paper read:

"I Sephiroth will buy for Reno a house of his choosing.

___________"

"No way!"

"You want me to step on you weak fingers, pretty-boy?"

"Gotta pen?"

Reno handed him one.

Using the edge of his hand to hold down the paper, he used the same hand to scrawl a crappy signature on the paper.

"Thank you," Reno said. He snatched away the paper, and pulled on Sephiroth's hands, trying to wrestle him away from the fangirls. Eventually, though Sephiroth was screaming like a guy without a PS2 on the day of the FF10 launch, Reno managed to get Sephiroth over the side and into the truck's bed.

Reno stood up. "YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS! I'm gonna have my own house!" He did a little victory dance. "Yah ha ha! The spoils of conquest are kickass cool!"

"You filthy human stinkbeast!" Sephiroth insulted Reno.

"Yeah, whatever, I get a house!"

***

After Sephiroth had bought the house, Reno went inside his brand-new house for the first time, with Rude right behind him.

"Hey!" Reno said taking his first gander upon the house. "Dammit!"

"What? You got your house," Sephiroth said.

"Where the hell's all the furniture!?"


End file.
